The Diary of the Mad Duck

This is an excerpt from the diary of Molfoy, the mad drake. It is not entirely true but about 98% of it happens almost every day.
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It is morning and the stupid human has finally let me and Sweethart out of that tiny little cage where he locks us up all night long for some odd reason. He is feeding those annoying, stupid geese at the moment. Those geese are very annoying because they tend to peck me if I get to close to them or if I don't run off when they waddle up to me. They waddle a whole lot and look ridiculous when they walk, unlike me. I don't waddle at all and look great when I walk. Geese are very stupid too. They can't seem to understand that the one purpose of ones life is to breed as many other birds as you can possibly do. They tend to get annoyed when I manage to catch one of the other drakes anywhere near them and tend to attack me when I am right in the middle of breeding.

I stick around for about 5 minutes while the human is still in the pen and hurry to eat some food that the human has put on the ground before those dopy geese can get to it. Then I pass the time by chasing that sorry excuse for a duck Smut around the pen. When I finally catch him I pull some of his few remaining feathers out and am just settling down to breed him when the human appears. I barely manage to get out of the way as he kicks at me, and Smut streekes off across the pen. Oh boo hoo hoo. It's like this whenever the human is around. He always disrupts my breeding sessions, usually with his foot, and calls me all sorts of names, usually including 'filthy fowl', 'nutty excuse for a quacker box', and 'cursed nut-case'.
After the human is gone I hurry over to the hen pen, with Sweethart following behind me, and start trying to breed a hen through the chicken wire fence. I so hope that one of those worthless humans will let the poor hens out of their jail today. Imagine having to go a hole day without any drakes jumping on you! I find it very hard to go 5 minutes without jumping on somebody. I have just settled down by the hen pen to wait when the human comes by on his bike. He sees me and slams on the brakes so hard that he nearly crashes. I hurry off and duck under the fence to one of the goat pens nearby, but not until human has nearly managed to drive on my tail end with his great filthy bicycle.
I hang around in the goat pen until the human is gone. He sees Sweethart and goes careening off after him. Sweethart isn't as smart as I am and just goes running toward the stoopid goose pen. Then he tryes to be smart and ducks into the area in front of the milk parlor. About a minute later the human comes back out holding Sweethart by his neck. He gets onto his bike and heads off to the goose pen, where he slings Sweethart into the goose pen. Musket, one of the other drakes, promptly takes his chance and jumpes on Sweethart before he can run away. The human nearly manages to run both Musket and Sweethart over with his bike this time.

After a while Sweethart comes back over to the hen pen. He tells me that he has been jumped on no less than 3 times by Musket, 2 times by Shmidt, and 4 times by both Musket and Shmidt at the same time. We spend most of the morning loafing around the hen pen and trying to breed hens through the fence while we wait for them to be let out. Sometime around the middle of the day I hear someone coming. When I go to look I see the human walking towards the pen. I quickly duck under the fence to the goat pen and Sweethart follows. The human goes over to the hen-jail door and opens it. The hens promptly come running out, and, after checking to make sure that they are all out, the human walkes off.
Oh the joy! I have finally have hens to jump on! I exit the goat pen as fast as I possibly can and take off after those hens. I finally catch up with them and promptly catch a nice hen. I settle down to breeding her and after a little while I go off and catch a different hen and breed her too. Sweethart is busy breeding hens too. We have a full half-hour of solid hen-chasing and then I stop to rest for a few minutes. A small flock of geese comes walking over. I think that this is the goose Miah's flock, as all the birds are brownish instead of white. There are 4 goslings with this flock and several of them come close to me. I am feeling good and decide to give these ignorant young geese some good advice.
"Hey goosies!" I call. They look up. "Do you want some words of good advice?" They stop to think for a few seconds.
"Yes, dumb ducky" they say.
"Ok, here are the words of advice: Always, Always, try to breed as many birds as is remotely possible. That is life's one and only purpose. Let me repeat. The most important thing in the whole world is making sure that you breed as many birds as possible."
The goslings look at each other. "Boy, this duck needs a new head," one of them says. "Yeh, I think that he's rreeeaaaallyy nuts," another says. "Look, his thing's hanging out, I think that he's damaged in both ends. Especially the head end." says the last one.
That makes me a bit mad. I walk right up to the goslings and start ripping their down out as hard as I can. They start shrieking and trying to run away. I peck one hard on the head and it stumbles off looking dazed, only to run face first into the wheel of the pickup truck. I grab another one by the neck and -----.

I wake up much later. I am laying on my back on the ground near the pickup truck. My head hurts and I feel like I am covered in bruises. I manage to struggle to my feet and look around at myself. The top of my head is bald, my wings are missing about half of their feathers, and the feathers on my underside are rather sparce. I remember now. The goose Miah had dissaprooved of my beating her goslings up.
Suddenly I realize what time it is. It is evening and about the time when the humans come out to do chors. That means that I have gone a whole 4 and a half hours without breeding anything. I must find a hen if it's the last thing I do. Must find hen, must find hen, must find hen. I run off toward the hen pen as fast as I can. Hen. Hen. Hen. Hen. Must find hen. Must find hen. The hens are sitting around infront of their pen. Hens! Hens! Hens! I race off as fast as I can go and am busy breeding a surprised hen about 30 seconds later. After I'm done with her I race off and jump on another hen-- only to be wrenched up from on top of her by my neck. The human is standing their looking very angry.
"Stupid filthy crazy nut-case fowl." he says. "You just wait, you filthy dung bag. We've got the hatchet and pretty soon we'll have the time and then you may find yourself a little short of neck, turdy birdy." That was followed by several minutes of cursing, before the human finally walked off, carrying me by my neck, and slung me into the little cage where he puts us at night. Oh those poor hens.
I must breed somebody. Oh arg, everybody breedable is on the other side of the wire. Oh! MUST BREED. MUST FIND HEN. MUST BREED. MUST JUMP ON DRAKE. MUST BREED SOMETHING. MUST BREED. MUST BREED. MUST BREED. MUST BREED.

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Molfoy continues like this for several hours before he gets so tired that he goes to sleep trying to get through the wire.